My Bloody Valentine

I went to see this movie twice last night. In a row. I don't know how I did it, to be quite honest. As soon as it ended for the first time I nearly cried, thinking of how I would have to sit through yet another screening of this awful mess.
I am very critical about movies, this much I understand. I want too much from film directors, but still. Someone should have read this script, stopped, crumpled it up and shoved it down the writer's throat. Even if it was coming out of the writer's ass in three days couldn't have hurt the movie anymore than the actual movie itself. It was bad. Not The Spirit bad (NOTHING ON EARTH CAN TOP THE SHITATEOUS MESS OF THAT MOVIE) but it was bad enough that I had a look of confusion on my face that turned to distaste when the "big reveal" happened. I mean, come on! What the fuck!
First of all, the killer looked and sounded like Darth Vador's cousin. I half expected him to lean over and whisper into someone's ear, "Sarah, I am your ex-boyfriend." (Oh, that's a spoiler, btw.)
Second of all, when Harry Warden wakes up from his like two day unwakeable coma and kills everyone in the hospital I kind of laughed out loud. Half of it was from the doodles on the wall (which all killers should stop and find time to do) and half of it was from my friend Laura turning to me and saying, "How did he do all of this? What did they do? Line up or something?"
The only thing I did like was the main character (who seemed pretty nice but was actually a giant douche) and the sherrif (who seemed like a douche and ended up being kind of okay). Seriously, I could use a little more hot guy action in my life. It never gets old.
Even before I saw this movie I had two major problems with it. It already had two strikes, if you will.
Strike One: It is not being released on or around Valentine's Day, yet the movie uses Valentines day quite often in the movie. I have never seen so many pink and red paper and real hearts lying around than last night. I wouldn't go see a movie about Christmas in July, would I? No. It won't even be in most theaters by Valentines Day. You'll have to drive all the way up to that sketchy theater just to see it. You know the one I'm talking about. It's still playing shit that's already come out on DVD.
Strike Two: It stole my mother fucking idea for a horror movie. Sure, the scene I'm talking about last like four minutes, but still. Now if I ever get around to pounding out a script, everyone will say that I must have been inspired by that piece of shit movie I just saw (TWICE) last night. In actuality, I came up with the idea sometime last year after coming out of one of my weird ass dreams. Here is how MY MOVIE would go: A woman comes into a supermarket, pissed beyond belief. She just bought something (I'm thinking yogurt. She looks like a yogurt eating bitch) that was still on the shelf WAY beyond it's experation date. She's pissed. She asks to speak to the manager, who is having problem with his stock girl Darla or Becky or Annie. He is short with the yogurt woman, who in turn gets him fired. He's so depressed about losing his job that he goes to a bar and drinks himself into a drunken oblivian. The bartender keeps serving him (even though he can see how drunk he is) and doesn't take away his keys (even though he should). So, the guy (soon to be killer) who will hence forth be referred to as Butchy, stumbles out to his car and starts to drive away from the bar. He is going way too fast (you know, because he's drunk and all drunk people must lose the ability to read a speedometer and care) and he slams into a car, killing everyone inside it. He then wakes up in the hospital. "Where am I?" he croaks. A nurse turns to him. "The hospital," she replies. "You had an accident. You were driving drunk." She pauses. "Y0u hit a car and killed three people." "Where is my family?" he asks, looking around the room and noticing they are not at his side. "They were in the car you hit," the nurse tearfully admits.
So, the man becomes so deranged with the thought that he killed his own family he goes to the yogurt bitch's house and kills her and her family. He then goes to the bar and kills the bartender and everyone in the bar.
Then, he makes his way over to the market. There is a storm that night, so when he breaks the back window and sneaks into the office, he times it just right with a clap of thunder. He kills everyone in the market and then zeroes in on the stock girl.
She gets pushed around and cut a little. Perhaps she loses her uniform shirt and is limping around in a white wife beater and electric blue bra (for all the men in the theater who are dozing off). She then remembers that Mr. Butchy has a peanut allergy so she runs to the peanut butter aisle and rubs peanut butter all over herself and the floor and the shelves. Butchy can't even get near her enough to attack her.
Just as he is about to throw a knife at her (that she won't be able to dodge because she's so tired and worn out from the fight) the young rookie police officer (who is cute to boot) bursts through the window and shoots Butchy dead...or is he?
YES. Because in my movie when Rookie kills Butchy he walks over to the hardware section (my market has a hardware section. Deal with it) and grabs a saw. He then saws Butchy's head off so there can't be a damn sequel.
My movie will end with Stock and Rookie fucking in the aisle. I call this movie CLEAN UP IN AISLE 666.
Well, today I am going to see Mall Cop. I'll let you know about that later.
BMBH