I am a huge history buff. So, when I saw the trailer for the new Wolverine movie, I was pretty interested when I saw Hugh Jackman (YUM) and Liev Schreiber (MEOW) fighting through all of our most famous wars: the Civil War*, World War I, World War II, and the Vietnam War.
The movie begins with Leiv Schreiber as Sabertooth getting into all types of trouble for trying to rape a Vietnamise woman when he should have presumably been fighting a war. Logan (Wolverine, what have you) comes to his aid like the good brother he is and then he, too, gets in trouble. It did make me pause to wonder what kind of assignment they were given where they found the time to land a plane and attempt to rape women. Don't they have commands and other things that need to be done first? Anyways, the brothers (oh, yeah, they're half brothers, Sabertooth and Wolverine) get sentenced to dead by shooting. I was unaware that in the 60s you could still be killed by firing squad, but I do not presume to know everything (though I like to mislead you into thinking so).
Danny Huston comes along and asks them to join his "special squad." If this had been a porno then this would have been when he whipped his penis out and the brother swent gay with one another (which would have eased some of the building tension between them).
So, they join this "special team" which consists of Ryan Reynolds with hsi sarcasm and swords, will. i. am who can shift around the screen when he should be putting together another album for me to work out to, some strong guy, an asian who is really quick with guns and the hobbit and guy from Lost. I know his name is Dominic but I can not spell his last name and will not even attempt to. K, so they are looking for source of this mysterious rock. They finally go to this African village and kill a bunch of people, I don't know, it pisses Logan/Wolverine off and he decides to leave the group.
Six years later (I'm still never sure how long he was with the group after the Vietnam war. They were using cell phones, so I assume it was at least in present day, though Danny Huston didn't age a damn day. Good for him), Logan is living on the top of a Canadian mountain with his girlfriend (who ends up being such a pain). How they got on top of this mountain or why they would stay up there, I do not know. I had all types of questions like where their electricity came from or where they found the money to get plumbing all the way up that mountain, but it was neither the time nor place for that.
Sabertooth, in the meantime, has been killing all the other members in the group. He killed Swordy (Ryan Reynolds) and Hobbit (the guy who plays him played the Hobbit). Danny Huston asks for Logan's help with Agent X (Asian gun guy). Logan says no, fuck off I'm Canadian now, and leaves. His girlfriend picks him up and he almost gets in a fight with some Canadian hick, when he girlfriend touches the guy, looks deep into his eye and tells him to leave (foreshadowing), the guy does. The next day Sabertooth finds her and "kills" her.
My favorite part of the entire movie came when Sabertooth is in a Canadian bar (which looked like the inside of a mechanic's garage) and hears Wolverine screaming his name from outside. He says to the bartender/owner, "You have insurance for this place?" "No," the owner says. "Too bad," Sabertooth responds and then Wolverine bursts in and they fight.
Blah, blah, blah. He gets some shit injected into him that makes him Wolverine, finds out Danny Huston is a fucking dick and gets an elderly couple killed. Some other stuff happens but I don't really remember it well enough. Go see it, it was pretty good. You get to see Hugh Jackman's ass...which I guess was nice.
Final grade: A
*For anyone interested: the Civil War ended almost two hundred years ago. So, for all of you still waving your Confederate flags around I suggest you pick up a history book or go on internet and see for yourself. Do you still see British people coming over here and trying to stick a British flag in our freedom soil? No. Why? Because, as the losers, they realized they lost the right to place their flags in our soil (that's what she said). I am so sick of this "Dixie pride" whatever the fuck that means, I assume it just means your parents are siblings and you are illterate. And yes, I do think less of you when you have a confederate flag anywhere near you.
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