Well now you've done it

Are you happy, tweens? Are you happy, Meyer? Are you happy, K-Stew and R-Patz? Are you happy, Mike Dexter? Well, yes we know you're happy. You're Mike F-ing Dexter.
It seems that Twilight/Tween mania has reached a breaking point. See, every single magazine out from People to Good Housekeeping has a picture of some jack-off tween on it. Really, it's sickening. Although, those Tiger Beat magazines, you know the ones geared specifically for twelve year old girls, are hilarious. I happened to flip through one the other day and the top article was, "Zac Efron also went to school!" Um...is that supposed to help me relate to him better? Okay, he went to school. So do millions of other, cuter, non-gay face inflicted boys. Another article featuring Miley Cyrus was, "Boys don't really like me." Uh, newsflash, Miley, it isn't just boys. No one likes you.
Let's break it down:
Miley Cyrus: Okay. Where to begin? How about that her voice is what I imagine the end of the world sounds like. It already sounds like she's been smoking for the last fifteen years and looks like she had to have a gum-replacement surgery, but they screwed up and gave her the GUMS OF A GIANT. And have you heard her give an interview? Even in print I can't stand to see her speak. And she's just so obnoxious. Not even the good obnoxious, either. Also, I don't know why they keep putting her stalker back in jail. That man is just doing humanatarian work! I don't see you putting people in jail for trying to save the enviornment! This guy is just doing his part to make the world a better place!
Twilight: I'm not going to lie. I read the first book and I thought it was okay. I was a little offended that this boy was kind of slowly creeping on her so forcefully and she was all, "Yay, he's a vampire, wants to kill me and suck my blood. That must mean he really, really loves me!" My friend thought it was romantic that Edward used to come watch her sleep from day one until I explained it like this: "Imagine the first day of school, you come into your first period class, and sit down next to some random kid you've never met/seen before. You glance over at him, but do not really talk. Now, with that in mind, imagine you woke up that night to pee and saw that kid sitting on your chair watching you sleep. HOW THE FUCK WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?"
New Moon: Pages 1-10, Bella is hells ungrateful for the party being thrown for her. Pages 11-550, Bella cries. A lot. Pages 551-560, Bella screws Jacob over. Pages 561-5whateverthefuckingpageendsthisshittybook, Bella apparently goes to Italy for some reason. I don't really remember. I got bored.
Eclipse: Pages 1-550, Bella complains about...something, everything. Bitch needs an attitude adjustment. Pages 551-600, Jacob becomes a date raper, Edward gets to the border of creep-ass weird-ass stalker, barrels right over it to abusive/creepy.weird-ass/waits till marriage creeper. Page 601, there's a "giant" battle. Pages 602-whothehellcares, they talk about marriage.
Breaking Dawn: Dude, I can't really remember. I think at one point there was a battle...maybe. I know there was that absolutely ridiculous baby name. Someone was bit on the vagina. I don't know, it's all really fuzzy. Mostly because it was so damn awful it took me like months to get through the book. I still have no idea what happened. I'm assuming everyone dies and the only people to live happily ever after is me.

I fear the tween army is growing..