Inglorious Basterds

I know this is insanely late. I know that the movie has been out for over a month. However, I received a comment today which prompted me to write this review. I completely forgot about it because I had so much to say, but couldn't figure out how to get it into words. So, I will try.

I am absolutely in love with the genius of Quentin Tarantino. I think he can craft a story like no one else around. You are garunteed three things with a Tarantino movie: Fantastic dialogue, action and a pretty bitchen story on its own. And for the love of God, you get all of those things with this movie.

Review:
The credits start and then, I prepare you in case you haven't seen it, brace your eyes a bit, because the next scene is an outdoor, daylight scene and your corneas will get singed. At least mine nearly were. Well, okay, anyways. The very first scene of the movie, which is broken down into five parts (in a totally Tarantino badass way), begins with a farmer being interrogated by Hans Landa. Hans Landa is played by Christoph Waltz, and oh my goodness is that man adorable. I know he is playing one of the most vile, morally reprehensible people on the planet, but I can't fight the uncontrollable urge to scoop him up and put him in my pocket. He is adorable. I just want to squeeze his face and...Getting off track again. See, this is why it has taken me so long to write this. I veer.
So, back to this first scene. Hans Landa and Perrier LaPadite (who looks way to young/hot to have three grown daughters, but whatev.), a french farmer. As Landa begins to interrogate LaPadite, the camera pans down and we see that there is a family beneath the floorboards, the same family Landa is questioning LaPadite about. Landa sort of banters back and forth with LaPadite, keeping it hells civil, but you as the viewer begin to get a slight tingle of dread as he comes to the end of their conversation and point blank says, "You are sheltering enemies of the state, are you not?" LaPadite says yes, to end the harrassment of his family. Landa's men kill the Dreyfuss family, all but Shoshanna, who high tails the shit out of there.
The next scene is where we are introduced to the Basterds. My favorite scenes are with the Basterds. My all time favorite part of the entire movie? Well, that would have to be during the scene in which the Basterds are scalping the Nazi's and we are introduced to Hugo Stiglitz. Well, more like HUGO STIGLITZ! as my friend and I call him. You'll see that it is underneath the title of my blog. Suddenly, huge letters come across the screen and music begins to play and then Samuel L. Jackson's voice comes on screen. This is a classic Tarantino scene, and damn near awesome. I love me some SLJ.
The third scene follows Shoshanna around France. She somehow aquired a theater (it is a deleted scene sure to be on the DVD). She catches the eye of Zoller who can't fathom why she doesn't like him. She has this weird aversion to Nazi's. I can't imagine why, silly girl. Okay, anyways. One of the most powerful scenes in the movie (at least to me) is when Shoshanna and Landa actually come into contact. He doesn't know who she is, but she certainly knows who he is. They have a very tense talk (on her part) about hosting a German movie premier in her theater. After he leaves, Shoshanna breaks down crying. A few Germs (typo but it stays) come to view the theater and decide to host the premier in her theater. It actually becomes incredibly ironic that Zoller fought to have the location changed and it ends up causing his death. Oh, btw, that was a spoiler alert. Shoshanna then decides to lock everyone in at the premier and burn that shit to the ground.
The fourth scene includes Operation Kino. We see Archie Hicox, a role SIMON FUCKING PEGG was supposed to play, but couldn't. We see Michael Meyers, well at least that's what I'm told. He looks nothing like himself and sounds everything like Dr. Evil. Next, some Basterds and a german actress are in a bar and are about to discuss Operation Kino, when they are interrupted. Shit goes down after a Nazi officer recognizes that Hicox uses the British three instead of the German three. (DO IT GOOCH.) The only person left alive is Bridget von Hammersmark. (I don't know how Tarantino had the patience to type that out numerous times! I could barely do it once! She will hence be referred to has BvonH...no, just Bvon. Sounds like a rapper...Right, off track...) After the Basterds save Bvon (hehe), she informs them that Hitler will be attending the premier. They then make a new plan.
The last part. THE LAST PART. Seriously, it is one of my favorite scenes in a movie HANDS DOWN. Three of the Basterds (Raine, Donny and Hirschberg) sneak into the premier disguised as Italians. They have God awful accents, and, had Landa not known who they were in advance, they surely would have been caught within seconds. Landa knew who they were because of a bar shoot out and a shoe. So many things happen and I don't want to ruin it in case someone is waiting to rent it, but...OH MY GOD. The end of the movie was fantastic.

I know I didn't do a good job explaining this. So, here are some main points:
1) Christoph Waltz is ADORABLE. Seriously, if I ever met him all I would want to do is hug him. And it was pretty bad because I was completely oblivious to what an evil little shit he was in that movie. I was just thinking, "Oh, but he's so adorable! Look at that face! And...Hey! DON'T YOU HURT HIM!!!!!" I saw him in another movie where he was playing what I assumed to be a villan doing all types of mean shit and the main character was trying to wrestle the gun from Christoph and I was like, "Will you leave him alone, you annoying hero. Can't you see he's trying to get something done! Dick off. Your help is not welcome."
2) Brace your eyes immediately after the beginning credits end.
3) There are a lot of subtitles, so if you have trouble reading/can't read (though, then you wouldn't be reading this)/don't like to read/or wear glasses, I suggest you plan accordingly. I watched a boot leg version of this movie (Oh, dick off. I paid to see it twice as well) and there were no subtitles. I had no idea what the hell was going on for about forty-five minutes. And then all of a sudden it was back in English and they were talking about stuff and then there was fire and screaming. Seriously, they were speaking English a little in the bar, then the vet's office...then everything was on fire.
4) The last scene when they are in the theater is absolutely fantastic. I can't even...Ah.
5) When the Bear Jew beats that Nazi to death, just remember this: Before that scene Eli Roth was listening to Hananh Montana. You'd beat someone to death, too.