What I stumbled upon by chance

"Okay, your total comes to $3.99"

"Alright...Here is three dollars...and I think I have the ninety-nine cents for you."

"You have to be fu--" *Clears throat, smiles* "Okay."

Because, really, a penny is going to bog down that purse of yours, isn't it? You know how heavy and large those pennies are.

I wanted to leap over the counter and strangle that woman! If you didn't want the penny all you have to do is literally flick it out of your fingers within seconds of getting it. Drop it, place it back on the counter, hand it back to me, throw it in my fucking face, just don't try to avidly avoid it.

I thought maybe this woman had a serious fear of coins (there is no known name of such an ailment), but that bitch went and handed my ninety-nine cents worth of coins.

However, as I was looking up the name for the fear of coins I found this: Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

You know, that must suck if you're a guy. I mean, when it does inevitably happen in your lifetime, what the hell do you do with it?

Then there's: Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls. I had to ask myself what in the holy fuck that even means! I know what the literal definition is, but again, what that fuck happens when a person with this phobia comes in contact with a little girl? Virgins are harder to spot. They mix in among us, maybe work with us, check us out at the supermarket or cut your hair. They could be anywhere. Little girls, though, can be spotted. So, when you're watching tv and that little shit who plays in the juicy juice commercial comes on, do you shit yourself in fear? Do you switch the station? Do you call your therapist? I'm so interested I am about to post a fucking craigslist ad just to get an answer, but, again, I'll probably get a pedi and die or something.

Finally, Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.

What in the holy fuck is a Walloon?

To the bird that chirps outside my window 24/7,

If I didn't live in a bird sanctuary I would probably have shot you with my friend's brother's bb gun by now. And last night when I pulled up the shade and screamed "Shut up!" and you just got louder, that wasn't appreciated. I hope we can come to some sort of agreement where you simply fly off or die, but if you don't stop soon...I'm chopping down that tree.

Sincerly,
Me.

Heard today

"I finished my book and was bored, so I started reading the dictionary! I'm up to bashful."

To the girl who cut me off on the road today,

You're lucky I gave up road rage for lent. That's all I have to say.


Sincerly,

Me.

Telemarketer

"Hello?"

"Hello? Yes, hi. Is this Mary W.?"

"No this is not." (I didn't bother to mention that my mother's name is Mary Ann W.)

"Is she available?"

"No she is not. It's eleven o'clock in the morning and she's at work."

"Is Kevin W. available?"

"No, he is also at work as it is, as previously stated, eleven o'clock in the morning."

"Do you know when they'll be home?"

"Dinner time, but I wouldn't call them back then. That would really piss them off. Also, you happen to have called on an American Idol day, so calling them after eight o'clock would surely piss them off even further. I'll tell you what, why don't you bite your own head off and save us all a bit of trouble? Alright, buh--"

Bitch hung up on me.

This is sad

Because I've totally been there. Literally.

I'm with ya, buddy.

Now, this is really quite funny in that we've all been there at some point in our lives. I, myself, have asked this very question after one too many to drink and after sitting downwind from a joint.
I do feel sympathy, though.

Daily Dose

It says: She brought a small town to its feet and a huge company to its knees.

'Nuff said.