Holy shit!

It's August 1st! Wow.

Here's a little buttsecks to get you through the day!!

NOT OKAY

1. Thyroids
2. Prositots
3. Three year old girls who are prettier than me prancing around on a stage in a "Little Miss" pagent.
4. Bug Bites

Currently...

Plotting the death of my thyroid.
My doctor excitedly told me how happy she was that my numbers FINALLY looked normal and we could now start seeing some progress. She began asking me all the routine questions: Are your fingers ever numb? Ankles swollen? Sluggish? I happily answered no and she was smiling, all excited for me. Then she says, Trouble swallowing?
I was about to say no, but then I remembered that I do, in fact, have trouble swallowing sometimes. I'll be driving on my way to work, snacking on a granola bar, and suddenly feel like I'm going to choke. It has become such a bad problem that I can no longer chew gum while I drive, because it almost always ends up halfway down my throat, and then I'm swerving all over the road trying not to choke to death.
Well, as soon as I mentioned it to her, her smile slipped off of her face. She frowned and then start massaging my thyroid. She got quite frowny and then said that most likely, my throat muscles stopped working together, and that is why I have trouble swallowing.
She was slightly disappointed. I do not know if it was directed at me, or my thyroid. I wanted to tell her that I have enough hate for my thyroid for the both of us. No one hates their thyroid more than me.
I sometimes dream it will morph into human form and then we can battle it out. If it did morph into human form, I'd want it to punch me as hard as it could, RIGHT IN MY FUCKING FACE, just so I could have a plausible reason to have this much HATE for it. I would totally let it punch me and then start beating the shit out of it until it was a bloody mass of half human, half thyroid mess on the ground.
Just thinking about beating my thyroid to death makes me so happy... :) :)

Oh, side note: Something I learned today? Your thyroid can choke and kill you. What a lovely FUCKING organ.

Had to

Get this off my chest:


BITCH TITS!


Woo! I feel loads better.

I don't know what's worse...

I shall not have died in vain!





Someone calling me up and saying, "We should go to Staples! They have mechanical pencils for a quarter!" with them thinking I would be at all excited about this...

OR

My response. "Holy fuck! Are you shitting me? AHHHHH!!!" And stumbling over my sneakers and breaking my neck in my haste to get my car keys and get to Staples.

Either way, I've got a pocket full of pencils!!

Orphan

"There's something wrong with Ester? Yeah, she's a little Russian midget. You see how happy you are after ten minutes like that". The original title of the movie before the producers decided against it. Lame.



Ok. Let me start by saying this movie deserves an Oscar. And a Golden Globe for Best Comedy. And the damn Nobel Prize. This movie was hilarious, but not for the right reasons. See, I thought I was going to be amused by this little girl running around killing people. The amusement never really set in until after. I say we show this movie in the middle east and wait for the fucking world peace to start. Why? What makes this movie so damn amazing?
Well, for starters, a full on fucking Russian midget.
I'm not gonna lie: I was not fully aware that this little "girl" had an accent. For the first few minutes I was kind of confused. I thought perhaps she was trying to talk cute (homegirl failed on all accounts), and then I thought maybe she was a little slow. Finally, my dumb ass clued in: Russian. Fine. Cool. I can handle an evil little shit with an accent. Of course I was not told she was a midget until the end (Der).
The movie was kind of lame-ish. As in all movies with evil "kids" there was someone who knows he/she is evil, and there are like eight million people who are like, "What? Nooooo! Shut your whore mouth! Children are good and innocent and pure! And...is that a knife in my side?" Well, lo and behold, the mother was right. She started to suspect that little Ester was a frigging weird ass little bitch. And she was right. But, she never got to do her little happy dance, you know, because there was an evil little bitch in her house with a gun.
My biggest problem with the movie? The end. The little "girl" Ester tries to seduce the father while he is at home. At the same time the mother is finding out that this little girl is not really a little girl, but a little person. With a large helping of bugfuck insane. So, while Ester tries to seduce the father, we're learning she's actually a genetically deformed crazy person. Awesome, right? Not so much. See, if the father doesn't go to bed with her, she'll kill him. She actually gets pretty offended when he rebuffs her attempts for sexy time. She's all, "Vat? You no vant to sex with me?" And he's all, "Um...no?" And I'm all, "DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT! OMG, SO HELP MY IF HE DOES IT! DON'T DOOOOOOOOOO IT!" in the audience.
Now, here is where I get to my main problem. It isn't with her pretending to be a child. No. That's fine...ish. Whatever. My biggest problem: She gets homocidal when the father says no. And why does he say no? BECAUSE YOU PRETENDED TO BE A NINE YEAR OLD GIRL HE ADOPTED! Hello! I don't know how they do it in Russia, but here, sleeping with a child is frowned upon! Also, we have a little thing over here called To Catch a Predator! You handed that man (your father) a glass of lemonade and started to try and seduce him. He was probably getting nervous that Chris Hansen was going to walk around the corner all of a sudden, pull up a stool and ask him what was going through his mind. He knows better! If he were to accept, then he'd get frowned at by Chris Hansen. You want to get laid so bad? How about you pretend to be a seventeen, almost eighteen year old girl! I'm sure you'd get more bites there, you freak! Or, how about going to live with a pediphile. He'd be all up in your shit! What did you expect your father to do? Take you up on your offer? Listen, Ester, Michael Jackson simply slept in the same bed as a little boy and he was fighting off molestation allegations for years. Good for you, dead father, for keeping your morals intact. However, as you did not see this coming and actually fought to keep this little girl/crazy Russian midget in your house, YOU DESERVE YOUR DEATH!
Oh, side note. From now on when I'm watching a horror movie and someone does something stupid, I will yell out, "YOU DESERVE YOUR DEATH!" Warning.
K. Moving on. Something else that's bothering me? People were worred that this movie will actually affect people's decisions about adopting older children. Um...what? I want to adopt when I get older, and this movie did not scare or deter me from that. If people are really so worried, adopt them young, then, and beat some sense into them as they get older. But, yet again, that isn't my main problem with this fear. My main problem is: do people actually think this happens? How many times have people adopted a nine year old girl (or any age for that matter) and found out they were a homicidal midget? When does that actually happen in real life? I mean, worst case scenario, save your recipt. I was actually thinking of that during the movie. I said, "I hope they kept the recipt!" If I was the mother, I would have walked Ester back into that orphanage and said, "Listen, I don't know what your return policy is for crazy Russian midgets, but I'd like to return mine." I wouldn't even care if I could get the money back. Just here, take her. Though, if I'm being true to myself, I'd probably kill her. She'd find her way back to my house and break shit later on. It'd save me a lot of cleaning up.
They did cover the ending pretty well. I didn't really suspect what was going on until the very end. I just thought she was a crazy little girl. One of my favorite scenes? When she's in her room, flicking the fish tank on and off and her "beautiful" paintings, her selling point to her parents, have like some shit on them that lights up. These innocent paintings suddenly have fires and daggers through people's eyes. I burst out laughing. This little girl was such a fucking FREAK! And another thing that I liked? That she always wore dresses. When my friend wondered why she was always in dresses, I said, "Because. Even if you are a little person, you still go through puberty. And you get hips. See how her hips show in jeans? Her hips don't lie." "Did you just make a Shakira reference?" "Why, yes I did." "Niiiice!"
Something I do in horror movies, which I can't help, is to critsize the person getting terrorized. I don't know how what I would do in real life, but I like to complain about how they are going about trying to save their lives. One movie that I am not allowed to watch because of how FUCKING ANGRY it makes me, is When a Stranger Calls. I HATE THAT MOVIE! If it had been me, I would have stopped answering the phone and when he came downstairs to complain about it, I would have beat him to death with a fire poker. Or, I would have told him to dick off and get a life. What kind of little fucker just sits up in some crawl hole all day waiting for...Anyways. OH! Or what about The Strangers? GRR. That movie would have been ten fucking minutes long. I would have grabbed that shotgun, sat myself in the corner and waited. The first person in, BAM. Dead. The second, BAM. Dead. And the last girl? Well, we'd go hand to hand combat. Just because. I mean, those people in the Strangers who ran around and cried and fucked up every other second DESERVED THEIR DEATH!!!
Now, we get to the ending and I must pose the question: Best last line EVER? Much like the Ring Two, in which Naomi Watts kicks that little fucker back in her well while shouting, "I'm not your fucking MOMMY!", Orphan delivered a similar line. And I laughed just the same. YES. That was probably my favorite part. I will now start saying that to my friends in public places. "I'm not your fucking mommy! Oh, hi. I'd like the chicken finger basket." If I were to run for office, my campaign slogan would be "K. W., I'm not your fucking mommy." I think I'd win. The Oscars should consider updating a category to BEST LAST LINE IN A MOVIE. "Here's lookin' at you, kid?" Fuck that. "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn?" Bored. "Rosebud?" Yawn. "I'm not your fucking mommy?" FUCK YEAH YOU'RE NOT! HERE'S YOUR OSCAR!
Would I recommend this movie? Sure. In the movies theaters? No. Wait for it to come out on DVD and rent it. Or, even better, wait for it to show up in the Walmart 5 dollar bin and get it then. I would recommend everyone for sure see it, because it is kind of hilarious, but not in the theater. It's too much fucking money for a movie nowadays.
Well, those are my thoughts on Orphan.