What my ass has to say about what I did last night

So, I have some extra weight hanging around my body. We've lived together for a while now, and it's been a lovely tennant. However, I think it is now time to evict some of this weight. So, I've started a plan to go to the gym and work out. And, while I know I've made this promise to myself maybe a hundred times now, I've decided to stick to it. I have a gym buddy (The Bex) to go with me now. Not only that, but I live right next to the gym, and it's free admission. This is the Universe telling me to put down the cupcake, and hop on the treadmill. All in all I'm pretty happy about my decision. You know who isn't happy about it, though? My ass.

See, my ass is pretty content with the way things run around here. My ass likes that I do not jog or bike ride around campus. And it loves the cosmic brownies I bought last week. What my ass does not love, is that this morning marks the third time I have put on sneakers, a training bra, an old tee and some yoga pants. My ass hates that I've been working out. In fact, my ass is, at this very moment, screaming in pain.

My ass thought that she and I had a deal last night, when I was laying on my stomach, feeling the pain. I promised never to do that again, but, alas, I forced myself to go. The only way to get in shape is to suck it up and do it. And do it I have been. And not without any resistance, either. Here is a little excerpt of what my ass has been saying today:

10:30 am

"Ow. Happy? Are you happy with all this pain? Yeah, you hobble to the bathroom, bitch. And when you're done, get back into bed and sleep until two or so, then maybe I'll think about forgiving you."

10:40 am

"You're getting dressed? Fine. Get dressed and then sit down and relax. Look at The Golden Girls over there. Doesn't season two look inviting? Unwrap the plastic, pop in a DVD and relax."

10:45 am

"Why are you wearing sneakers? You better not be doing what I think you might be doing!"

10: 46 am

"Oh. Car keys? Exciting! Where are we going? To the movies? Maybe shopping?"

10:50 am

"Huh. Why are we at Becca's? Is she coming with us to the movies? That's weird...she's also dressed in yoga pants and sneakers. Did you plan this?"

10:55 am

"You drove right past your dorm...Did you do that on purpose? We're not going in the right direction of the movies. Oh, are we going for a ride? Exciting!!"

11:00 am

"No. Uh-uh. Back out of the parking spot, immediately. Don't you dare get out of this car! I mean it! So help me, if you get out of this car!"

11: 03 am

"Get out of the gym's lobby! GET OUT NOW!"

11: 04 am

"Don't you dare sign your name! Don't you dare hand over your card to be swiped!"

11: 05 am

"You bitch!"

11: 08 am

"Ha. I'm glad you have to wait for a machine. You deserve it, bitch."

11:1o am

"Get off of the machine! If you get off the eliptical machine RIGHT NOW and go back to the dorm and make some food other than LEAN CUISINE MAC AND CHEESE, I might think about forgiving you this year!"

11:11 am

"It's 11:11! Make a wish! AND DON'T START UP THE MACHINE! I MEAN IT!!!!!!!"

11:12 am

"UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

11: 50 am

"I hate you. Don't talk to me."

So, what prompted this? Well...the picture above. I didn't realize how GINORMOUS I looked until I saw that picture. This must be what other people see when they look at me, and it isn't pretty. But, the biggest thing to remember is that I've realized I have a problem and I am trying to make a difference. So, this is what August looks like. Let's see what September looks like.

UPDATE:

Financial aid is all fixed.
Holla.

Hmm...

I'm not sure which karmic God I pissed off and why, but karma and the Universe is out to get me. I am no longer certain the Universe wants me to go to school. I think it wants me to drop out and pursue Judge Reinhold full-time. I'm all for it, but my weird obessession with Judge doesn't pay the bills (Well...as far as I know. I haven't really looked into it, but I do know the creep ass stalker doesn't roll in dough, you know?). You know what would actually be fantastic? Absolutely spiffing? If karma and the Universe could stop jerking me around. You clearly didn't want me at URI, so I came back to Florida. And now you don't want me to go to FGCU? Well, you picky little fuckers, if you gave clearer signs I'd do as you asked and not piss you off so!
Oh, and remember Most Glorious Wonder Woman? SHE IS NO MORE. We shall now refer to her as Woman Who Does Not Give Out Correct Information and Fucked Me Over Into Getting Another 5500 Dollar Loan. For short, we shall call her Not a Most Glorious Wonder Woman. Because that 5500 dollar loan that was supposed to cover a meal plan and books, now covers my housing and other costs. I'm making my mother come to see what these "other costs" are, because I think I am funding someone's drug habit. Seriously, I am paying way too much money to be coming to this school. This isn't Harvard, this isn't Yale, this isn't URI!!! If I wanted to be miserable, buried in debt and growing a worry-ulcer, then I'd move back to RI and go to school there! Not a Most Glorious Woman, you are lucky I have plans this weekend, because your face and my fist would of have had words this morning! (Heehee! Don't I sound slightly badass? Well, I'm NOT! More like I would have yelled until I cried!)
But you know what? I'm going to stay positive. And, I know this may seem uncool, I called my mommy and she's coming to take care of it. Mock me all you want, but this is the same woman who has made cashier's and waitress's lives hell! And I love her for it! She's going to go in, ready for a fight, and hopefully she'll get this all sorted out...
Or I'm selling some eggs, incubating a gay couple's baby, and selling off some dvds and heading out to California. Sell some Nicolas Cage stories and I'll be set...GOOCH, YOU WANNA COME?

And they called it The Vamp

This is soooo messed up. They are officially coming out with a Twilight dildo. It's called the Vamp, as seen above. Apparently, women are so obsessed with Edward, they can't use a regular dildo anymore. This is a perfect example of what is wrong with America. Instead of someone figuring out how to cure cancer, we have people figuring out how to make fictional literary characters dick's into life sized models. Someone thought up this idea, okay? Someone thought this up, sketched out the idea and presented it to a board of people. This board of people looked at his sketches and decided this was a good idea. This board of people green lighted the go-ahead for this. Out of twenty or so people, no one thought this was a bad idea? No one said, "Oh, hey, wait. We didn't add in the creep factor. Back to the drawing board."

So, what is the creep factor? I'll tell you.

1) You can put it in the fridge to keep it cold. OKay, let's break this down. You stick this up your no-no land, so logic says you should probably not put it in the fridge with your food. That's just hells gross and unsanitary. Do I even need to say it? Shouldn't that just be a natural thought from a human being? You don't put dildos in the fridge. Period. End of discussion. It's gross. Secondly, you stick this up your no-no land. Why on Earth would you want it to be cold? I can't think of anything more uncomfortable.

2) You take it outside and it sparkles. So, this "Edward" replica sparkles when you take it outside...So, basically, you want everyone who buys it to masturbate outside? And get arrested? I don't know where you're from, dildo maker, but where I'm from that's called public indecency, and you get your bare ass arrested for it. After I buy your dildo, follow your instructions and get arrested, are you going to come bail me out? Is that included with the price of the dildo?

3) Who the hell are they marketing this dildo to? The thirteen year old girl in Minnesota who is obsessed with Twilight? Who of dildo buying age is so obsessed with Twilight they feel the need to buy this? I feel like this dildo was made to catch pediphiles and I was put on a watch list for even looking at it.

4) The description is all types of ridiculousness. "Fantasize about being with Edward? Now you don't have to! It's just like being with the real thing!" My response? How the hell would you know what it's like to fuck Edward? As far as I know, he is a made up vampire, aka NOT REAL. How can you have sex with something that isn't real? How do you know what a fictional vampire's penis feels like? And, again, who is fantasizing about being with Edward? Tweens! Are you seriously marketing your dildo to tweens, cuz that's illegal.

I may like Harry Potter and some people may call me obsessed, but this above is where I draw the line. Do you see me running out buying a Severus Snape dildo? No. Why? A) Cuz I'm not crazy and B) Because they haven't made it yet. Also, let me say this: Harry Potter is a million times better than Twilight beause at least SOMETHING HAPPENED IN THOSE BOOKS! AT LEAST THE MAIN CHARACTER DIDN'T CRY FOR 500 PAGES!