The General Scale of Movie Awesomness

Scale of Movie Awesomeness:
(Key: -1 million means the WORST PIECE OF SHIT YOU WILL EVER SEE.
10 means the BEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE.
Read it like this: On a scale of The Spirit to Boondock Saints where did this movie fall? Well, this movie was a solid Inglourious Basterds. Read descriptions to clarify.)

(-1 million) The Spirit: This is a movie so disappointing you feel nothing but homicidal rage to the actors, directors, writers, production assistants, and script supervisors. Even the Craft service guy because he didn’t put a stop to this piece of shit movie. You find yourself wanting the ceiling of the theater to cave in or a sudden explosion from behind you in the projection booth to end the pain of this movie. You want to eliminate this movie from your mind, but can not because it was so awful. In fifty years it’ll cross your mind and you’ll feel your fist clench despite arthritis and curse this movie’s existence. You also feel the need to hiss at this movie whenever you see it in Target, Walmart, etc. Your entire day/week is ruined after seeing this movie. Meeting people who actually enjoyed this movie determines who you now interact with. If you had a million dollars you’d buy a million copies and burn them in effigy. You are positive someone, somewhere, uses this movie as a torture device.

(0) Twilight: You either fell asleep halfway through the movie, texted on your phone the entire time, could not follow the plot or were just plain bored during it. When the lights came on it was like a wonderful salvation for half a second before you realize you just spent two hours of your life and ten dollars on this shitty movie. You vow to never see this movie again and feel it is your God given duty to warn everyone you meet not to see it, either.

(1) Atonement: This movie is kind of boring or uninteresting to the point where you can barely tolerate it to begin with. It usually ends with a depressing or fucking retarded ending which just further irritates you. You leave this movie watching experience feeling depressed or icky or robbed. Your day, or at least the first hour after watching this movie, is completely ruined because of it. You are now wary of seeing movies in the theater.

(2) When a Stranger Calls: This movie is usually clichéd and rather annoying from the very beginning. Again, it is barely tolerable and usually ends just as you are checking your phone for the fifth time. The ending is completely unsatisfying and you wish it ended with everyone dying in a massive fire or a bus wreck. You usually haven’t been rooting for the hero or the villain and you don’t care if anyone dies, you’re so disinterested. You are thinking about what you’re going to eat once you get out of the theater and about how bad you have to pee.

(3) Orphan: This movie has a promising plot that falls flat. And by flat I mean it sucks so bad sad and scary parts become very funny and funny parts don’t get any laughs. The movie ends badly or in an awful clichéd way that is incredibly unsatisfying. You really never want to see this movie again, but it doesn’t piss you off so much that you can’t stand the sight of it in Target.

(4) The Grudge: This movie had a solid plot. It wasn’t really bad, but it wasn’t really that great, either. There were some scary or funny or sad parts but not enough to real get any emotion from you. You’ll definitely see this movie with your friends later to see if it’s just you or if it’s the movie.

(5) Paranormal Activity: This movie had a solid plot. All parts that were supposed to be scary or funny or sad definitely were. However, there were some parts that lacked. There were times when you weren’t scared when you could be, times when you weren’t laughing when you should be, etc. For sure you’ll see this movie again because it certainly delivered, it just wasn’t the best you’ve ever seen. The only reason this movie doesn’t rate higher on the list is because this movie didn’t make you want to immediately buy a ticket for the next show. It was good, but it wasn’t great.

(6) Kill Bill vol. 1 and 2: This movie was incredibly good. It delivered exactly as it should have. There were little or not parts in which you were bored. The plot was easy to follow and was enjoyable. There were lines that were quotable and badass characters or actions scenes. There was humor and some drama. Everything was as it should be and you will recommend this movie to people. You will definitely buy this movie again when it comes out on DVD, but only after it drops down to 13 or 10 dollars at Target.

(7) Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day: This movie was just as good as you thought it was going to be, maybe it was a surprise, but it was definitely not more than you hoped for. This is the movie you will definitely have in your collection and will see the inside of your DVD player at least once a month. You will tell your friends this is a movie they must see and will be mad if they do not immediately comply. There are slight inklings of obsession from this movie.

(8) Inglourious Basterds: This movie was pretty damn amazing. No matter the length, subject matter, people or temperature of the theater you were completely absorbed in this movie from start to finish. Not only will this movie be bought at full price from Target, but you’ll even shell out another nine dollars to see it in theaters for a second time. You talk about this movie the rest of the day after seeing it, and maybe even again for a bit the next day. This is a movie so good that within fifteen minutes of the film starting you know you’ll be seeing this movie regularly for the rest of your life.

(9) Shaun of the Dead/Fanboys: This movie will always, always be your second favorite movie. Within the first five minutes of this movie starting you knew that it would always be in the top five, and by the time it ended you knew it was going to be in the top three. This is a movie you will quote nonstop and blatantly demand friends watch it with you. You buy any and all merchandise you can get your hands on, Google the soundtrack, script, quotes and actor bios. Your family doesn’t even have to go see this movie because you’ve talked about it so much and acted out several scenes from the movie. Quotes from the movie are regularly integrated into your daily vocabulary. If you meet someone who has anything but the same over enthused reaction to this movie, then you certainly don’t know them for long. If someone outright says they hate/dislike this movie you take it as a personal offense and feel the need to defend it for a half hour.

(10) Boondock Saints: This is the best movie you have ever seen. Within three minutes of the movie starting, you just know. You feel terribly depressed when the credits begin to roll because you know it is over. You will buy all the merchandise and watch the movie a million times. Quotes from this movie soon find their way into your daily vocabulary. You begin to determine relationships with family and friends upon whether or not they like this movie. You actively search the DVD release date and mark it on your calendar. You buy it within the first two days it comes out on DVD and watch it twice the first day you get it. If you meet someone who doesn’t like this movie you are horrified. Actually, legit horrified. This person mine as well have just insulted you personally in the worst way. You can’t fathom someone not loving this movie and demand a reasoning. If an appropriate (and by appropriate I mean that this movie killed his family and then beat the shit out of him) answer is not given then you never speak to this person again. You glare at them every time you see them. This movie is as amazing as it was on the first viewing as it is on the hundredth viewing. Even though you own the DVD and have seen it a hundred times, you get ungodly excited to see it on the television. You Google any and all information about the movie and join fan sites, etc. They mine as well stop making movies because you have found your favorite movie. Screw the others. You plan on being buried with a copy of this movie in your casket.