My, my, my, look at all these palm trees!

So. So...Soooooooooooooooo.

I moved into my dorm yesterday. There it is above. I know, I know. You're saying to yourself, "Why does she have Christmas lights up in August?" Well, you are mistaken. Those aren't Christmas lights above, oh no. Those are the devil's lights! For only he would make lights that refuse to hang on a wall, even with thumbtacks! I finally got them to stay after three rolls of tape, nineteen thumbtacks and the threat of bodily harm. I don't even feel like they're "hanging on my wall." I feel like they're hovering over me, waiting for the worst possible time to fall to the ground. Like if I were to say, "Hey, come look at my Christmas lights!" and then they'd fall seconds before I opened the door, that kind of time.

Well, after I got those evil, evil, EVIL little lights on the wall, I turned to my television. I set aside an hour to set up my tv. I just figured there was going to be something wrong with it. There is always something wrong with the tv. And, with my luck, I'd have some weird ass little problem. Well, I plugged it in and screwed on the cable wire and, the moment of truth, I turned it on. AND IT WORKED. I was dumbfounded. I mean, I read the instructions, I did what it said and it actually worked? What kind of black magic television is this? Where were all the problems I was expecting? Where were all the tears of frustration I was ready to cry? Where was the swearing I had prepared to do? WHERE WAS IT?

Oh, yeah. Sitting in my piece of shit computer. Because when I turned my computer on and followed the directions to set up the internet, my computer laughed in my face, threw me the finger and shut down. And then wouldn't start up again. Then only the guest section of my computer would come on, and then that wouldn't come on, but my main account worked. Through all of this I did not have internet. However, I did have my Golden Girls. Luckily for me, I bought seasons one and two yesterday (for nine bucks a piece. Suck it, Target, I would have payed much more!). Well, this morning I call internet services and Mumbly Mouth who answers the phones gave me all types of instructions, all of which went ununderstood by me. I'm not one to judge. I, too, am fluent in mumbly mouth. However, when you are on the phone with a mumbly mouther and they are giving you critical directions, it is always nice to know if they are saying, "Click continue and then hit run" instead of, "Licks neptune and it was fun." Because I was like, "Sir, there is no neptune on my computer, and I don't care how fun it is, I am not licking it." I finally decoded his cryptic-ass message (and by decoded I heard him say the word ethernet cable and hung up) and went to get myself some internet connection.

I go up to the bookstore, walking past a hundred people in line to buy books, and squeeze my way to get my cable. And then, I turn around and see the amount of people. I'm not sure why I didn't realize how crowded it was, and that I was going to have to wait in this line. A part of me thought they would let me cut because I didn't have a book in my hand. I realized I couldn't wait in that line. I'd still be in line. I'd grow old in that line. I'd die in that line and they'd have to yank the withered ethernet cable out of my cold, dead, clenched fists. So, I went back to my car. In the four seconds it took me to walk from the front door to my car I was drenched in sweat. All types of sweat. Upper lip sweat, forehead sweat, back sweat, boob sweat, behind the knee sweat. You name it, I've sweated it. I drove my dripping ass (yes, that got sweaty, too) over to Staples and bought one of their ethernet cables.

I get home and plug it in. And, like the hand of God came down and touched his palm to my computer, I saw that little tiny globe come to sit on top of the two stacked computer monitors in the bottom right hand corner of my screen. Without breathing, without getting my hopes up too high, I clicked on the internet AND IT LOADED WITHOUT A PROBLEM. Where was the problem? I don't understand! I have the worst luck of almost anyone in the world! It loaded, just like that! Where was the problem I had been preparing myself for?

Oh. Yeah. In my student loans that disappeared. I was told I was getting a certain amount of money, and when I went today, they told me I still owed 800 bucks. And I had yet to get a meal plan or buy any books. So, basically, I still had about 2500 bucks to come up with. I wanted to ask the man behind the computer if he thought I was sweating pure gold. Was I sharting diamonds and rubies? Were was I supposed to get 2500 by the 28th? Do you, sir, have 2500 bucks in your backpocket? Then why do you assume I do? Well, I spoke to a different person, a woman this time. We shall call her Most Glorious Wonder Woman, because she got me another loan. So, instead of going into downtown Ft. Myers and selling my body to as many takers as I could get (I was guestimating about two or three if I threw in a few DVDs), I suddenly had loan money again! I just have to wait until Monday morning to get it. And then, just like that, another problem went away...

But where it went I still do not know...